Re-intention

I still remember it through the haze: It was cold, I was drunk, and life was fairly simple. I was in my... sophomore year of college? It was some version of winter I wasn't a fan of and I had separated from my friends for a moment to stare down at my first cigarette. I was in the middle of two sidewalks meeting at an X in the middle of some quad, and I was having trouble standing up. "Holy shit, these actually give you a buzz. That's why people smoke them." Granted, I probably didn't put that sentence together quite so successfully at the time, but hindsight makes me a smooth motherfucker. The friend who gave me the smoke, Peter, came on over and asked me what's the matter?

"This is my first cigarette DUDE." I replied.

"Really? Paulie!!!! You want another one?" I think he said.

I replied with "Hell yea I do." or something to that effect, and I had my second cigarette right there with the man who proverbially broken my cigarette cherry not 5-7 minutes before. I don't remember the exact conversation because, well, it was 5 years ago and I was pretty damn drunk. However, I do remember looking down at that cigarette and staring intently at it, with almost a morbid curiosity; and I do remember that my good friend Peter was the one to give me that fated Camel Turkish Gold.

That was 5 years ago now, and I have been a smoker ever since. I now smoke roughly a half pack a day, and that's an accomplishment down from a pack a day. I'm 24 and starting to feel the consequences of my choices: constant coughing and wheezing, a checkbook that always seems lower than it should be, my wardrobe and car smell to high heaven, and my hands are permanently frostbitten. You'll notice that nowhere did I list any side effects like "being ridiculously cool," and that is by design. Cigarettes, I have learned, are really far from it. But I digress.

My goal is to quit. My goal is to quit smoking, and to blog about it. You see, like most smokers I have tried to quit any number of times. I was "successful" a couple times, spanning a month and an impressive 4, but I always came back for more, inevitably smoking more often than before. I realize they are bad for you. I REALIZE THEY ARE BAD FOR YOU. All smokers do; we're not dumb, and we don't need you to remind us. Let your friend smoke in peace.

*ahem*

Both of my previous attempts were squandered when I let stress get the better of me and made the mistake of "buying a pack for the one smoke and giving the rest away to my friends." Only I didn't give the rest to my friends. My brain came up with a litany of excuses to explain away the next fix, and sooner or later I was back at it. Since then I've tried any number of mental acrobatics and smoking plans to try and quit, and 95% of the time I can't get past hour 4. With all my closest friends being smokers, my girlfriend being a smoker, and my car trying to be (that was a bad car joke, friends) there were simply too many temptations and helping hands to stay strong.

That is why I have chosen to quit now. I am in Potomac, MD for a work convention for a week. There are only 2 smokers here and they hate bumming to people. I smoked my last cigarette outside of O'Hare Terminal 1, and it was a Camel Filtered. (at least they weren't Camel Lights, amiright?!) Packs here are 10 bucks a pop, and all they have are Camel Lights, and the entire Marlboro suite. In other words, temptation will be at a minimum.

As to why I've chosen to blog about it? Well, the idea is it'll be part therapeutic, part data collection, and part anecdotal. All with the goal of exploring the smoking culture as a whole, both as a personal issue and a social one, as a means of not only venting some of that nicotine rage but also as a means to keep myself honest. I think addiction is an interesting topic, one that I enjoy tossing around in my head.

It will not be easy, and I will not like it. There are parts of smoking I still very much enjoy to this day, despite how shitty it makes me feel on a near constant basis (in addition to the other amount of awful side effects of being a constant smoker). All good things do come with a price, however, and my lungs are now writing a check that my body can't cash anymore.

A good friend of mine told me once "you haven't quit till you've quit." and I am going to do exactly that. I aim to stop smoking cigarettes entirely, as of right now (or around 8pm CST yesterday), and I promise to be transparent with how many I smoke. While I've obviously quitting before, it's been a long time since I've had this much drive. So I'm calling this a re-intention, another attempt at realigning my priorities and making this number 1: not thinking about which Black-Ops perk-set is the best. I am Re-intent on quitting, and NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY.