Message in a Bottle

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

You may not know me, but I've seen about half of your movies. I am what I consider to be a mediocre fan. The Island was not your best work. I was wondering... would you want to fly down to east-central Illinois (it's a state between LA and NY. Don't worry about it.) and have a threesome with me and my girlfriend? Don't concern yourself with lodgings, we will provide. Yes, my house has no air conditioning, and is populated by 5 other guys who will most likely make advances on you, but there is plenty here that will offset that. We have a beer pong table, a great ham and egg bagel, and a wii! After the rampant threesome, we will take you out on the town here in Champaign-Urbana. We'll head to the popular bars, but make sure to pack closed toe shoes; the floor can get a bit sticky. Followed by a hearty breakfast, and perhaps a quickie before your flight.

I am trusting that this letter will find you, and I'm hoping that you will at least take a moment to consider it. I'll tell you one thing: I'd definitely go watch that other half of your movies if you came.

Sincerely,
Paul Casperson (and Teresa)
casperson.paul@gmail.com ;-*