As I've stated before, I'm on site for my job doing an all-week training session. This particular session is pretty high pressure in nature to begin with; ten hour sessions each day filled with executive speakers and specialty positions giving us Powerpoints on different products and aspects of the business in order to "enable us." With these presentations come quizzes and tests that contribute to a final grade, and that final grade is used during the yearly review to determine if you get raises/are fired. I finished towards the bottom third of my training class in the previous two trips out here, so I had additional pressure to get my shit together this week.
The reason why I picked this week to stop smoking, of all weeks, still eludes me.
Today was our last day of graded material. We had our last quiz, last presentations, and final test. I kicked its ass. I haven't done that well on a final since, well, ever. I did this by locking myself in my hotel room to study all week, and it paid off. I haven't been social, I haven't even eaten meals with people. I didn't want to get caught up in the social gatherings, and put myself near smokers.
Well, I felt pretty awesome about the whole ordeal, and I wanted to celebrate. My excuse-machine called "my brain" got right to work. "Just one, to celebrate! You've gone 4 days without a smoke, and you just accomplished a major goal with a lot of work. One celebratory cigarette wouldn't hurt. Just go ask the guys! They'll give you one for SURE."
The guys are Jay and Martin. They're the guys in my class who smoke. We had formed our little smoke community, which comes with certain responsibilities. We all know a bit too much about each others' personal lives at this point, and definitely are closer than we are to most of the rest of the group (or at least I am with them.) It comes with the territory of 3-4 breaks of 10 minutes a piece every day for half a year.
I mentioned responsibilities. The smoker's code. I'll probably devote an
entire post to smoker's code at some point, but one will suffice today. This particular item dictates that if a man is a smoker, you must give him one if he's out. Now, there are exceptions of course:
'
1.) If you only have one left in your pack, even if you're smoking one at the time, you have the right to reserve the lastie without judgement.
2.) If you don't know the guy in question, AND he doesn't have his own lighter, he's probably not a regular smoker and you can withhold the smoke.
3.) If it becomes a habit, use your own discretion as to when to cut him off.
I did not fit into any of these categories (I even had my own lighter because I feel naked without it) So I asked Jay if we could go out to celebrate. He knew I was trying to quit, and said "no."
"What?"
"I'm not going out, and neither are you."
"... *harumph*"
"wait, are you pissed?"
"no, Jay, you're right. I'll just take a walk."
And with that, I was gone. I walked around outside pantomiming a cigarette in my hand , hoping it'd make me forget there wasn't anything there. It didn't. I have to thank Jay for saving me from myself, I know it's for the best. I just feel badly now, trying to use Jay. I have no intention of ever buying a pack again, and I knew that at the time when I asked to bum that smoke. I asked anyways, flying in the face of all I hold true.
I am a firm believer in Item #2, if a dude isn't a smoker for real he should ball up and buy a damn pack. He is entitled to a borrowed cigarette if he will have them later to pass it on should the opportunity present itself. A "pay it forward" type of situation. I, however, was looking for Jay to subsidize my weakness. If I'm going to break, I should man up and buy a pack.
Not tonight, though. Off to celebrate like normal people: with lots of booze.
No comments:
Post a Comment