Yes, I am avoiding you.

I am on a half hour break at work. My second today. Normally, I'd be pumped. I could actually go to the bathroom, grab a snack and some water, AND have a leisurely cigarette. I wouldn't have to suck it down like normal, and then I'd have a bit of a cough for the next 20 minutes.

Now, on day 1, I am avoiding anything that could set me off. I'm cutting my awkward conversations shorter than normal. Not allowing myself to look outside, or else I'd longingly gaze at a world I am denying mysef access to. No physical symptom is making me want a cigarette, I am not experiencing any sort of pain, however I feel incomplete.

My pack isn't in my pocket, and I am painfully aware of it. I keep searching around my pockets as if I'll find some lost cig that I'd easily excuse myself to smoke. "It's just a fluke, and I paid money for it. Be a shame not to smoke it. Just this once."

But you haven't quit till you quit, says Eric Shine, and I haven't even begun.